May 6, 2009
A Tribute to My Friend of 15 Years
Those of us who wear our emotions on our chest as a badge of honor often inaccurately assess those who are more reserved. When first met Brent fifteen years ago, I misinterpreted his being reserved as his being weak. I assumed that because he didn't speak as loudly as I did that he must not have had much to say. Dispelling that notion was one of many lessons I learned through our fifteen year friendship.
College DaysAt the close of the 1994-1995 school year, Brent moved in with my family for a short time before he and I left on quartet tour. He turned 20 that summer; I was 17. One of the enduring jokes between us was the fact that he felt that I only ever mentioned my age as a source of pride; and he was right. We discovered that we shared many interests. That summer, we stood on stage for 66 concerts in 66 days. During Brent's memorial service, President Stetler noted that you really get to know a person when you spend 3 months in close quarters together and the testimonial to Brent's character that so many of those who traveled with him paid their respects in his memory. His statement was accurate; though Brent was never the most outspoken, he had the respect of all those who were privileged to travel with him.
After that summer, we returned back to the groups of friends we'd had before, occasionally getting together to laugh at the stories about our travels together. A few years later, Brent again moved in with us, this time for nearly a year. It was during that year that we each began to plan our engagements, our weddings and our lives with the wives that God was about to bless us with. I remember some of those 2am chats about how desperately we wanted God's direction in our lives. Though Brent would never have consented to stand and share publicly, I admired and coveted his walk with God. Brent was a model of integrity; perhaps the most conscientious person that I've ever met.
Early Marriage
During the summer of 1999 - ten years ago - we both married. Lisa and I were married in June; Brent and Patricia were married in July. Brent stood as a groomsman in our wedding; I was honored to fulfill the same role in his. In our wedding, Brent joined Ben Peak and Jonathan Heath to sing, "Lord, Lord, let Your light, Light of Your faceShine on us; that we may be saved, that we may have life; to find our way in the darkest night. Let your light shine on us." During the first year of marriage for each of us, we met together frequently, often sharing Sunday evenings together. Our friendships as couples grew.
Lisa and I moved to Kentucky in 2000. We returned to Florida two or three times each year we were there; each time we returned we joined Brent and Patricia for an evening together. During that time, Caroline was born to Brent and Patricia; just a short while later, our oldest, Josh, was born. Then a little over two year later, we had Christy and they had Anthony. We carried on our tradition of getting together on our trips to Florida; around this time we also began talking on the phone on Sunday nights.
Together Again
In the fall of 2004, Lisa and I were beginning to feel as though God had something else for us after graduation. During one of our Sunday night talks, Brent mentioned how much they were enjoying their time in South Carolina, having just moved there a few weeks prior. Lisa and I began to pray and seek God's will about South Carolina. I drove to South Carolina during the week of Thanksgiving of 2004 and stayed with Brent and Patricia while exploring that area as an option of us. It was clear that God had opened doors and we moved to South Carolina in January of 2005.
We lived in South Carolina for two and a half years. During that time, Brent and Patricia became dearest of friends. We sat together in church on Sundays and ate together on Sunday evenings. Brent and I sang in a church trio and quartet regularly. We met at McDonalds for breakfast on Thursday mornings. We discussed the direction that we believed God had for us and our families. Brent wanted to be the best Christian husband and father possible. He read more books and listened to more sermons on the radio or CD as anyone I've ever known. Again, he would never be the one to stand up front and present himself as a model Christian. Yet, he was that to me and those who knew him well.
One of the hardest parts of our leaving South Carolina was leaving Brent, Patricia, Caroline and Anthony. Our children were best of friends; our wives supported one another in their first year of homeschooling; our lives were so intertwined. We loved to sing together, talk practical theology and sports together, and throw around a football or frisbee together. Our family continues to treasure those trips to a nearby park where we'd order pizza and play for hours on a Saturday. We'd reminisce about our college days, about our travels together and about sharing a room together. We both liked to have a good time; no one could get either of laughing so much as the other.
We moved to Virginia in the early fall of 2007. We returned twice to visit and spend time with the Biggers. We often spoke of meeting up in North Carolina for a joint vacation or about hosting them at our home in Virginia. Once we moved, we resumed our Sunday evening phone calls. During a call in December, Brent answered, "Hello, Andrew." I asked if they finally got CallerID and he said that they hadn't; he just knew it was me because of the time.
Tragedy
We often prayed for Brent, Patricia, Caroline and Anthony around the dinner table. Caroline and Josh frequently sent each other letters and pictures. Lisa and Patricia exchanged email ideas about homeschooling and homemaking. A possible trip by both families to the North Carolina Zoo had been discussed but tabled due to high gas prices. As I tucked Josh into bed on Friday, January 9, Josh mentioned that gas prices had fallen. He asked if I would call Mr. Brent and ask him about a trip to the Zoo this spring. I told Josh that I would call on Sunday and ask. Josh and I prayed for them that evening.
Lisa and I settled in to watch a Michael W Smith video in the downstairs family room. I had been expecting an email so I was occasionally getting up to check the computer. Around 10pm that evening, I checked and realized that John Parker, a dear friend from South Carolina, was sending message after message trying to get our attention. He was out of the country but had heard of an accident. I found another South Carolina friend online and inquired. I was informed that the accident did indeed involve Brent, Patricia, Caroline and Anthony. I contacted church friends who were on their way to the hospital. As the events unfolded, I looked up the numbers for other close friends and contacted them. The reports from the two hospitals weren’t encouraging and around midnight we were informed that Patricia, Caroline and Anthony had all passed away in the accident.
I'll never forget how badly my hands shook as I called Billy Johnson with the update. We cried for quite sometime without saying anything. I was in contact with Pastor Going about Brent through the night. We went to bed shortly before 4am. Mid-morning we contacted the Goings and informed them that we were leaving for South Carolina so that we could support Brent and all of those involved. I sat down with our oldest two children, Josh and Christy. I told them that there had been a terrible accident and that Patricia, Caroline and Anthony had passed away. They were able to identify that while their bodies remained here, their hearts can already gone to heaven.
We took our children to stay with my sister in North Carolina for the weekend; friends in South Carolina allowed us to stay in their guest room. We arrived at the Goings early Saturday evening. As we entered, I extended a hand of support to Brent. He bypassed my handshake and gave me a hug. We cried. By then, Patricia's parents and sisters had arrived; Brent's parents and younger brother were on their way from Indiana. We sat in the living room; we were all struggling to come to terms with what had happened. When Brent's family arrived, we all sat down and he moment by moment described his last 24 hours. At times he shook as he spoke.
Lisa and I attended service at Easley Bible Methodist Church on Sunday morning. We spent the afternoon with the Bigger and Miller families in the church parsonage. There were so many decisions that needed to be made; decisions that one would never consider having to make. The decision was made to have a memorial service in South Carolina with the funerals in Indiana. By Tuesday morning January 13, people started coming in from all over the south. I went over to where Brent was staying a few hours before the viewing. While in some respects he was functioning better than I had expected, he remained a broken man.
Memorial Service
There were concerns about media attention; the newspaper had already had the story on the frontpage, local television stations had already been present in Sunday's church service. I went over to make sure that the coast was clear. As I walked through the church where the memorial service was to be held, I didn't even consider that I would walk past their open caskets. It wasn't until I was right there in front of them that it really hit me. I helped escort Brent over to the family-only viewing and stood in the back weeping with Troy Castle. My life had been so intertwined with Brent's for the last fifteen years that I had a hard time not questioning why he had to bury his family while I didn't.
Just prior to the memorial service, my sister arrived along with my mother and our 3 oldest children. I greeted them but then returned to the parsonage to cry. A distant family member saw me crying and assumed that I was Brent as we are very close in size. We were one of the last families to go through the visitation line. I again reminded Josh and Christy of what we had talked about. They said that they wished to say goodbye to the bodies even though they knew their hearts were in heaven. When we got to the front, I couldn't keep from picturing my own children sharing a casket together. As Josh approached Brent, he reached out to give him a hug. Brent had been sitting as the visitation had been going on for quite some time and it was emotionally draining. Brent picked up Josh and hugged him. We all began to weep.
As a pallbearer, I sat in the front of the church. Because of the angle, I was able to see not only those on the platform but also Brent's face. The service was beautiful. Brent and Patricia loved music and Brent and the families chose beautiful songs. Pastor Going and Rev. Bill French both spoke; Marilyn French read a letter written by her sister, Patricia's mother. Media outlets were there but were respectful and not intrusive.
Our Journey to Indiana
I had mentioned to Brent and his family that Billy and I planned to drive to Indiana together and that we would be honored if Brent would like to ride with us. I will treasure those hours for the rest of my life. Brent did a lot of sleeping at first. At a rest area, he asked me when he'd stop feeling kicked in the stomach. I told him that I thought he'd have to get used to feeling kicked in the stomach for a while. Brent told us that there were times that he wished that he had died trying to save them.
We talked a lot about God. Brent was struggling with why God would have caused this. I told him that God did not push their van off the road; nor did God prevent them from being rescued. I told Brent that we live in a fallen world where tragedies happen. I told him that there is no tragedy that is beyond God's power to redeem for His glory and for our edification. I told him that I did not believe that it was God's plan for them to be taken. I reminded him of the severely abused young men that I work with on a daily basis and how God did not desire for them to be abused; but that He is able to redeem that abuse for His glory and our good. We spoke about how God might receive glory through the tragedy. We talked about the number of unsaved family and friends who attended the memorial service and were exposed to the gospel and testimonies.
Toward the end of the trip, we began to reminisce again about our times together. We cried tears of laughter.
Funeral Service
Brent requested that Billy and I stay with him at his parents. We all stayed in the same room. We drove Brent to the funeral home where he chose the plots and made the arrangements. The whole thing was still so surreal. Church family from Indiana provided food while flowers arrived from all over.
On the morning of Friday, January 16, we prepared for the funeral services the best we could. The funeral home was filled beyond capacity. Billy and I gave up our chairs and stayed in a side room where Brent Vernon played the piano. As with the memorial service, the most captivating moment was when a video was played of Caroline singing "Here I am to worship; here I am to bow down; here I am to say that You're my God. You're altogether lovely, altogether worthy, altogether wonderful to me." Pastor Going and Rev. Edgar Bryan held the service; the music was again so uplifting. The service was difficult; yet there was a peace in knowing that Patricia, Caroline and Anthony knew their Maker and Savior.
The tradition in Indiana is that the funeral attendees go back through the line following the service. Billy and I went through last and again embraced Brent for quite some time. We lingered around the caskets with Brent as he said his last goodbyes. He stood supported by his father and father-in-law. Two men who were burying their grandchildren stood strong to support him. Brent Vernon, Billy and I joined Brent's brothers and nephews as pallbearers.
It was a bitterly cold January morning in Indiana. We stood around the grave side as Pastor Going and Rev. Bryan spoke. Close friends and family were given roses from the caskets. I took a rose from Caroline and Anthony's caskets for my children. It remains on our living room mantle. We returned to the church for a full meal provided by church family. We stayed until the end before returning to Brent's parents for the night.
We spent Saturday just "being there" for Brent. Saturday evening, Billy and I talked and prayed and said our goodbyes and then left to return home.
Follow-up
Its difficult to know the right level of support to provide following a tragedy. A few days passed before Brent and I spoke. When we left Indiana, he was unsure about returning to South Carolina at all or staying in Indiana. A few days later he was talking out his plans. He ended up staying with his parents a few weeks and then with a cousin for a few days before leaving for North Carolina, eventually returning to South Carolina. We spoke while he was on the road. We began to email back and forth several times each day. We made plans for him to visit us a few times during the spring.
On Valentine's Day, we spoke for quite some time. It had been over a month since the accident and it still seemed so surreal. Brent said that he kept on feeling as though he was on vacation and would soon be reunited with Patricia, Caroline and Anthony. He was staying with Patricia's aunt and uncle but going over to his house during the day. He mentioned going through some of their things and pulling out some things he planned to send to my children. He mentioned that Troy had spent the night with him in his house the night before and that they had visited the accident site. He talked about being back in church and his plans to return to work soon. I told him that I had purchased a DVD for him and had shipped it to his house. We talked about him joining us in April for the Brent Vernon concert and Gaither Homecoming here.
Our last contact was on February 17. We chatted online for a while. He told me that he had received the package I had sent. We had included pictures from the children and he mentioned specifically a picture that Josh had drawn of he and Caroline running through a field in heaven together. He told me that he was reading through his email and the posts people had put on the Facebook groups I had set up as memorials.
A Broken Heart
After midnight early Friday, February 20 I received a call from a friend from Indiana. The friend stated that Brent had passed away. I went online and confirmed the news with one of Patricia's aunts. I called Billy, Troy and Brent Vernon. We couldn't believe it. Troy had just been with him on Sunday morning. Brent Vernon had stopped in Sunday evening for a few hours. Billy and I had spoken with him in the days just before.
On Sunday afternoon, I got out the suitcases. Christy asked me where I was going. I told her that I was going to Indiana. She asked me if she could draw a princess picture for Mr. Brent. I sat Josh and Christy down. Through my tears, I told them that Mr. Brent had passed away. Christy asked if there had been another accident. I told her that a neighbor had found him clutching his Bible, listening to his favorite song, surrounded by pictures of his family. Josh said, "I think I know what happened, Dad. I think Mr. Brent died of a broken heart." I held them both close and said that I thought he was right. I reminded them that Mr. Brent's heart had gone to heaven because he had given his heart to Jesus.
Brent's Funeral
I was in touch with Brent's family in Indiana and confirmed that Billy and I would join up and make the trip, as would Brent Vernon. I brought along a CD of the '95 Chapel Quartet and picked up a CD that had been made by wonderful folks at Easley Bible Methodist Church of Brent, Patricia and Caroline singing together. We arrived late on Monday; Brent's funeral was Tuesday, February 24.
The funeral home was reconfigured in anticipation of a smaller crowd but was again packed. This time, the funeral included songs from the CDs of the family and the quartet. Pastor Going and Rev. Bill French had the service. I was concerned about some of the things that I had heard that questioning whether or not Brent had forfeited his salvation when he took his own life. I prayed for wisdom for Pastor Going and Brother French and I felt that both handled this situation beautifully. Both acknowledged that some were asking those questions; both made it clear that they felt that Brent was in glory with the Father. The service concluded with a song from the '95 quartet featuring Brent, "No More Night:" "No more night; no more pain; no more tears; never crying again. Praises to the great I AM. We will live in the light of the risen Lamb."
Billy, Brent Vernon and I were again pallbearers. We laid Brent to rest right next to his family on the very spot where we had embraced him just 40 days earlier. I took a rose from his coffin that remains on the dashboard of my car today. We joined the family and friends for a meal before leaving for our journeys home. Brent Vernon, Billy and I embraced and shared some reflections about Brent's life and the impact that he had had on each of us.
Life Now
The outpouring of support has been so overwhelming. The cards, the emails, the phone calls: we certainly appreciate the thoughts and prayers of all. Even those who never met Brent have been moved to tears when trying to encourage us. I've maintained contact with a number of Brent's family in Indiana and they have expressed the same sentiments there.
There are days - like today - that I am moved to tears. I think of things that I would like to call Brent to tell him. I so enjoyed attending both the Brent Vernon concert and Gaither Homecoming - but during both I longed to have had Brent by my side. As I reflect on his life - and our friendship - I am challenged. Brent demonstrated to me a godly life. I had as much confidence in his walk with God as anyone. Our friendship lasted nearly fifteen years. Over the course of that time, we had been together during times of struggle (with family members and friends), stress (multiple moves for each of us), and joy (2 weddings, 6 children between us).
This side of heaven, we won't ever know what happened. When Brent and I spoke on Monday, February 16, he mentioned that he had met with the crash investigators and they had cleared him of all wrong-doing. Following the news of Brent's death, the report was released affirming that. Brent spoke with an aunt the evening before his passing and he gave her little indication that he wasn't doing well except to say that he had received some insurance forms that he was struggling to complete.
I hope that I never know the pain and anguish that Brent was subject to during those last weeks. While he expressed to me that he felt God's presence with him, the pain of losing your entire family causes me to weep just typing about it.
Do I question God? No. I've heard some say that we shouldn't doubt God's plan - as if God orchestrated these tragedies. Again, I don't believe that. In order for us to recognize God's goodness, we must see the absence of goodness, evil, as well. I believe that it is the presence of evil in a fallen world that precipitated these events. However, I believe that there is no situation beyond God's power to redeem. I believe that what the devil meant for bad, God is redeeming for His glory and our edification!
I will remember Brent the rest of my days. I will remember how much we enjoyed singing, talking, laughing and throwing a frisbee together. I will remember how challenged I was to live with integrity, to be more conscientious, to be the best Christian husband and father I can be.
The last words that Brent spoke to me face to face were as Billy and I were preparing to leave Indiana on Saturday, January 17. As we embraced, he looked me in the eye, thanked me for coming and helping and said, "I love you." I was taken-back and at a loss for words that he would say that. I responded by saying that I was honored to have been able to support him as a friend. I regret now not saying "I love you" back to him.
I loved you, Brent. I love my memories of the times we spent together.
Rest in His peace,
Andrew
